New year, new project?

December 31, 2013

“Discerning the difference between good, hard work and burdensome, draining toil (that ends up fruitless and misery-making) is key to bringing into being what you long for most.” – Kathy Caprino

We’re on the cusp of a new year, and that means we’re already seeing a slew of headlines of the ‘7 Ways to a New You!’ or ‘5 Ways to Achieve Success in the New Year!’ variety. We all need a bit of inspiration at the start of a new year. But as time goes by you become more and more aware that real, messy life isn’t as simple as a series of bullet points.

So I was really pleased when just before Christmas I discovered this video (below) by career coach Kathy Caprino, who some of you will remember from my fifteenth show, Do We Have to Fit In? In the video Kathy answers a reader's question about why her passion project, a travel blog, is proving so difficult. She was thrilled to start this on-the-side work, and is disappointed to find the going - coming up with content, building readership, etc. - incredibly tough.

Kathy's response resonated with me because it emphasizes that actually, achieving anything of worth in the world is hard. There are no five bullet points to success. This isn’t something we hear that much in western culture, where instant gratification and instant results are celebrated. But although we probably all know someone who appears to have achieved overnight success, it’s likely that a) it wasn’t instant at all or b) they were extremely lucky, benefiting from a combination of connections and serendipity. Most of us won’t fit into either of those categories. I’m in exactly the same situation as Kathy's correspondent with what I do with The Broad Experience. It requires an enormous amount of work to do the interviews and cut the tape and put it all together, not to mention the challenge of building the audience, and I don't yet receive any compensation for all this (which I do on top of other stuff). I regulary experience moments of exasperation where I ask myself, “Am I crazy to be doing this?” Then I get an email or message from a listener talking about how much they get out of the show and I stick with my gut, which tells me I am onto something. I'm listing some pointers on this topic below for anyone who is thinking about or has already branched out with their own, risky project, only to realize after months of work and seemingly little reward, God, it’s tough out there. Many of these come from Kathy's video.

• Creating something worthwhile is hard work. It just is. We hear far too much about passion fueling projects or new businesses, but passion does not make your business or project successful. People will not come just because you build it. Consistent effort is required. Go into your project expecting that. And it may take a lot (lot) longer than you expected to get the results you were hoping for. Be realistic. So much of what we see in the media sets us up for unrealistic expectations. 

• We all want things to fall in our laps because we think we've seen this happen to someone else we know, or someone we've heard about. Forget it. It probably didn't happen to them either. 

• Kathy emphasizes "essence versus form". She asks the woman who wrote to her if this travel blog of hers is the right form in which to present her passion for travel - maybe there's something else she could be doing that would let her exercise her love of travel but that wouldn't be so draining.

• Which brings me to a vital point Kathy makes about all of this. If the work feels like a slog, but one that is bringing you little pleasure or giving you no energy, you need to re-think what you're doing. If, on the other hand, you're like me, and the work you're doing energizes you and keeps you going, despite how hard it is, keep at it. Keeping going requires a combination of hard work, persistence, and guts.

 Happy New Year. 

Mogul, Mom, and Maid

December 8, 2013

"My house is dirty. While my husband has the time to clean, he has no interest. And I have neither the time nor the interest." - Liz O'Donnell

The other week I interviewed Liz O'Donnell, proprietor of the blog Hello Ladies and author of the new book, Mogul, Mom & Maid. Liz's book is one of quite a few coming out on women and work, and how women's home lives interfere with their work lives, yet it was in the works long before she or any of us knew about Lean In. Liz is the sole breadwinner in her family - her husband is the at-home parent to their two kids - and she wrote the book because while having a drink with a (working) mom friend one day, she was amazed to hear the woman say that her husband "complained if he got back from work and the kitchen was a mess." Since Liz and her husband were happily living non-traditional gender roles, she hadn't realized '50s norms still popped up elsewhere in her circle. For the book, she talked to scores of women about their lives and how they navigated the messy intersection of career and family.

My next show will feature Liz on why it's still far from an ideal world for American working mothers - and to some extent parents - and what we can do about it. Anyone who listens to the show or reads this blog knows how layered and complicated this topic is - Liz's book brings that home by detailing the stories of multiple women managing homes, careers, families and school schedules.

In the meantime, here are a few takeaways.

Schools need to catch up to modern life. Despite the fact her children's school is well aware she's at work in Boston while her husband is at home in the suburbs, if one of her kids is sick, the school calls her. Also, the scheduling drives her and many other parents nuts. Many schools plan events at short notice, meaning working parents often can't cancel work commitments to attend.

Women still do more housework than men and it eats their time at home. Often, women complain their spouse 'just doesn't see' the mess. Liz suggests women loosen up when it comes to cleanliness if they want to maintain some semblance of fun and/or sanity at night and at the weekends. She claims she and her husband haven't made their bed for years. Try dropping some 'must-do' domestic task for a week, she urges, and see how things go. You may get used to it, and in doing so, gain back some precious time.

Women are still, in general, the ones doing all the thinking about the house and the kids, and that affects their ability to be fully 'on' at work, because it sucks their mental energy. Even if their husband is a 'hands-on father', in the case of almost every woman Liz spoke to for the book, the couple defaulted to traditional gender roles when it came to worrying: the women were the ones whose headspace was taken up thinking about doctors' appointments, travel arrangements, furniture deliveries, etc.  Some of this, again, may happen because women either consciously or unconsciously see it as their role to handle all this domestic stuff. But surely it's worth having a conversation with a spouse about sharing some of this under-the-radar yet time-sucking cognitive space?

Motherhood is not necessarily a woman's most important job. "That phrase crops up in the media" all the time, says Liz, "You even have the president saying it. And I don’t buy it, for a number of reasons. One reason [if we're going to think this at all] is that we have to shift from 'motherhood' to think that parenting is most important job."

You'll hear more from Liz in the show coming out on December 15th.

The art of engagement (or how to network properly)

November 20, 2013

Photo by Ged Carroll, under Creative Commons license

I recently joined 85 Broads, and earlier today I was on a so-called 'jam session' they arranged online called The Art of Engagement: How to Network Your Way to the Top. OK, I thought, hyperbolic title, but I'll sign up. Because, when it comes to networking, despite being fairly outgoing, I identify with the cringing attendee Kimberly Weisul outlined in this piece on Lifehacker.

Perhaps I'm about to change.

The excellent speaker was Mary Kopczynski, CEO of 8of9 Consulting. I'll highlight some of the most useful takeaways for others who may find networking tough or distasteful:

She started out by telling a great story of a crisis point in her life when she needed to work out what she wanted to do next. She flew home to Seattle, having emailed a whole bunch of friends and family, friends' parents, even an old teacher, saying she'd like them to book time slots with her in a local cafe where they could "tell me about what you do for a living, how you got where you are, what you like and dislike about your industry." She quickly realized even her closest network was powerful - a lot of people showed up, even Bill Gates's father, Bill Gates Senior. That success gave her confidence and a bit of audacity, and she amped up her networking efforts afterwards. 

Networking "is not meeting people", she said. "Networking is the process of turning a relationship with a stranger into a strategic partnership over time." I think women find this idea tough to come to terms with because we tend to view networking as somewhat icky, as using people - we don't view it as 'real' relationship building in the way we like to think of relationships (solid, meaningful friendships). We need to re-frame it a bit, to see it as a situation where we can potentially help the other person as well (more on that below).

If you go to an event, such as a conference, and collect a bunch of business cards, don't follow up for at least a week. People have taken time out of their busy work schedules to attend these things, Kopczynski said, and they need some time to settle back into their routine. So wait a while. You may have to remind them of who you are and how you met in the first line of the email, but that's fine. However, do follow up. She said she often leaves a conference having given out her card and never hears back from anyone she's met. 

Quality over quantity: she aims to meet one good person at each event. But that doesn't mean you should spend the whole event "looking over your shoulder to the next person" while you're talking to someone. 

Once you have made a connection after the event, stay in touch, even if it's just twice a year, or less, to let the person know what you're up to. For women this may involve getting over that feeling that you're "bothering people" (I know it well) but it's actually a way of keeping your network alive. 

She realizes not everyone is as bold as she is. On overcoming shyness at events, she reminded us there are probably plenty of other people feeling just as uncomfortable, "So when you make the first move, it relieves other people." Also, don't feel bad inserting yourself into a conversation where two people are talking to eachother (this came from the Lifehacker piece) - they probably just met and they may need an out from eachother. Go ahead and butt in.

On approaching people you don't know/have not actually met, she had a good story.  (I also recommend reading this 99u piece and this blog post by Mike Collett on email introductions.) She said it's all about "creating the right relevance" - for example, she wanted to get in touch with the US Trade Representative to ask a little career advice. She'd never met the man, but found out he had spoken at Rutgers at some point in the not too distant past. She had not attended the talk. But she approached him via email saying she knew he'd spoken at Rutgers (without actually saying she'd heard him) and that she was hoping she could talk to him about X...it worked. Then, years later, she approached him again, seeking an introduction to someone at the FDA, reminding him of their earlier conversation ("You once gave me some great career advice.") People are actually willing to help you if you strike the right tone of politeness and flattery, and remind them of who you are.

"It's not about who they are, it's about who they know and who they will become." At one point she was approached by an administrative assistant in a networking capacity, and initially thought, "Hmmm, I wonder if there's really anything in this for me." But it turns out there was. Later on this same assistant was able to provide multiple introductions to Kopczynski for a project she was working on.

On how not to come across as aggressive, something women worry about a lot, she simply stuck to the idea of being polite and friendly, and always respecting people's time (a stellar saleswoman friend of mine reminded me of this earlier this week as she taught me how to approach strangers via email - acknowledge in the email that you know they're very busy). She said one of the most aggravating things that happens to her is "the intro bomb" when someone e-introduces her to someone else without asking her permission first. "It's super-exhausting to get those emails," she said.

I think 'the art of engagement' actually turned out to be a perfect title for this session. A lot of women, myself included, tend to think of networking as somehow fake, and hard to pull off well. Being good at this involves quashing some typically female tendencies (i.e. assuming you're a pain in the ass rather than someone who could offer something - or is that just me? Also, caring too much about rejection) - but judging by Kopczynski's stories, it's worth it. 

Is modesty a virtue at the office?

November 13, 2013

An image from the 1939 film 'The Women'. Not much self-deprecation there.

I've often joked that being British and female is a double-whammy. You have two cultures essentially telling you be nice, modest, and self-deprecating. The British, after all, are known for their propensity to apologize, usually when there's no need. And many women, wherever they grow up, tend to be self-deprecating. This is certainly part of my makeup. Moving to the US has been good for me in that I've had to learn how to sell myself, how to talk myself up without, I hope, coming off as hideously obnoxious. So I was interested to read this piece by Lucy Kellaway in the Financial Times that starts out by questioning why women use so much self-deprecation, but then switches tack:

"So long as there is no doubt about the status and superiority of the person using it, self-deprecation is one of the most effective tools there is. It disarms other people, makes them forget you are scarily powerful and lulls them into liking you instead. The only boss I’ve ever had whom I truly adored self-deprecated constantly.

Between women friends it acts as a non-compete clause...what I’m actually saying is: I’m not dangerous. Come closer."

Yet some research suggests that self-deprecation can fail women badly at the office. Within the next week or so I'm going to be talking to Dr. Judith Baxter of Aston University in the UK, a linguist who studies the intersection of language, gender, and leadership. Dr. Baxter has done research into the use of language by women in the workplace, and according to her findings, the women who joked about themselves in a self-deprecating way came across as "contrived, defensive, or mean." I want to get to the bottom of this, because I tend to agree with Lucy Kellaway that on the whole, doing yourself down paints you in an agreeable light. Dr. Baxter found that when women joked during a meeting, 80 percent of their jokes were greeted with silence. In men's case, 90 percent of jokes were met with instant guffaws. Baxter says that with men, joking is recognized 'tribe' behavior that calls up an instant response (whether genuine or not is another question). With women, joking isn't recognized in the same way by the tribe.

I think there's a fine line here, as with so many things women-and-work-related. If you use self-deprecation too much, it gets tedious. No one believes you're genuine (frankly, you often aren't). But women are judged by centuries-old norms, and modesty is one of them. What do you think? Is self-deprecation a must for women, or can it backfire?